6 things women wish men knew about sex
Wish you had a more satisfying sex life? Read on for six secrets to a healthier, happier love life
What women want
Frustrated because the man in your life is oblivious to what makes your libido soar? Don't hide unsatisfied under the duvet. Robin Milhausen, a sexuality researcher and an associate professor at the University of Guelph, unveils the six most common things that women wish men knew about sex, and offers tips on how to fix them.
1. We can't turn our libidos on like a light switch
Guys seem ready for sex anytime, anywhere, but for most women it's not so easy. "Men can get erections from their genitals brushing against their clothing," says Milhausen. "They might expect that women can get aroused quickly when actually it takes much longer, and it's not just about the physical, the mental stuff has to be in place, too." The mental weight from daily stresses such as work deadlines and household duties can negatively impact a woman's sexual appetite. Most men are able to ignore such worries and dive right in, creating a situation where they can't understand why their partner doesn't automatically jump into a steamy clinch, too.
The fix: Milhausen says that men should do whatever they can to help eliminate their partner's stressors so that she's less preoccupied. Help her cram for tomorrow's work meeting. Do the dinner dishes. With fewer mental demands, there's more room to be sexually available and interested.
2. Sex isn't over when you have an orgasm
Just because men have reached completion doesn't mean that the sexual escapade is over. "We just assume that it's over and that's unfair," says Milhausen.
To fix: "Rewrite the script," she says. "Do something different. Maybe after he's had his orgasm it's time to bring out the sex toys for your orgasm."
3. Women aren't all the same. Ask what we would like in bed.
Do have the feeling that your guy has used the same moves on every partner that he's ever had? Does he assume that what works on another woman, works on you, too? Sorry, ladies. You might have to accept some of the blame for this one. "Women don't often tell their partners how things make them feel. They want their partners to be mind readers," says Milhausen. "Men could use help in terms of honest communication."
The fix: Milhausen recommends that both partners communicate their likes as well as their dislikes in a non-sexual setting, so there aren't any hurt feelings in the heat of the moment. "It's in our best interests to know what our partner wants and find ways that we can satisfy each other," she says.
4. We're visual, too
Women primp, pose and pluck themselves into sexual perfection. Lingerie, perfume, high heels, you've all got the props covered, but when it comes to your partner, you're greeted with black socks, and questionable personal hygiene. A little more effort would be appreciated! "Male partners should be reminded that women are visual, too," says Milhausen.
The fix: Men, take note! "Take care of yourself," says Milhausen. "That stubble that looks so cool is not so great for making out, or receiving oral sex. Manly fingernails can hurt when you're manually stimulating your partner." A man's attention to personal hygiene is a big turn-on for a woman.
5. An orgasm through penetration isn't the be all and end all
"Men think that women should always have an orgasm. In movies and pornography, women are having orgasms at the drop of a hat, so men are getting an unrealistic picture of what women's orgasms are really like," says Milhausen. For many women, orgasms can be difficult to achieve, and their partner might take it personally if she can't have one. "It's crazy for men to think that they must give their partners an orgasm; they should banish it from their thoughts because it puts pressure on them to be sexual dynamos, and it puts pressure on their female partners to perform. Or it leads women to faking which doesn't help anybody," she says.
The fix: Have an honest conversation about how many orgasms you want to have, so you both have realistic expectations. "If you say to your partner that you'd be happy having an orgasm from penetration once a month, but there are other things we can do at other times - manual stimulation, oral sex or using a vibrator - it's helpful for the male partner," says Milhausen.
6. Don't worry if we become temporarily silent or still
Some men believe that you're not making loud noises, or wildly writhing around during sex, you're not enjoying yourself, but they couldn't be more wrong. "I've heard from a lot of women who have problems having an orgasm that when a woman's body goes totally still or silent it just means that they're really focusing on the sensations and are close to having an orgasm," says Milhausen.
The fix: Advise your guy on the signs that you're close to orgasm, so he's not reading the wrong signals. You can also tell him what he should be doing to help you out.