I Never Struggled with Body Image — Until I Lost 36 Pounds

I can’t say that my body was perfect

In fact, it was far from it. But, I dressed in a way that made me feel good and polished. I carried myself with confidence. I was recently dating again and had no problems attracting men. I was active and worked out regularly, but by no means was I thin. I just felt OK with my body being where it was, that is until my life changed.

Inspired by the man I was dating, I decided to try to drop a few pounds. (This part is hard for me to admit because I never thought I would be “that girl.”) Not because he was a fitness guru who worked out religiously, or ate healthy, or even said anything to me about losing weight. (He always told me how sexy and beautiful I was.) I fell in love and, simply, I wanted to be a better person physically, emotionally and financially because his love motivated me to grow in those ways.

So, I tried a round of Whole30 and lost almost 14 pounds. Then I did another. And another. For the most part, I still eat Whole30 compliant even when I’m not in a cycle with the exception of special circumstances. Down a total of 36 pounds since July 2017, I should be prancing around in clothes I always wanted to wear but never felt quite comfortable in, and glowing all the time because the compliment shower has not stopped.

Wrong.

I am actually having a harder time with my body image now than I ever had in my life.

I have lost weight before and I have gained it all back and then some. I stayed consistent for some years, but then there would be a large gain or loss. Then it would come back again. Sometimes it was conscious. Sometimes it wasn’t. However, with three rounds of the Whole30 behind me, I have completely changed my life and eating habits. But, to be honest there are some very real factors holding me back from celebrating.

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First is the fear of gaining the weight back. I just feel like this would be a huge blow to my self-esteem. Yes, I know how to get back to the weight I am now, but the thought of letting myself down for a few indulgences kills me.

Second, dating again is holding me back as well. (Sadly, the man, who still means the world to me, isn’t in my life anymore.) While I had no problem attracting men before, the pool was smaller for me. Now, I feel like more men will be attracted to my body, making it harder to find someone who admires me for being a smart, accomplished individual, instead of just a hot chick.

I am trying, though, to battle my self-esteem the best I know how. I weigh myself daily to hold myself accountable. I stay active, running regularly and attending SoulCycle classes two or three times a week. However, I have also started focusing on other things about my body. I pay attention to how strong I have gotten. Or how much more endurance I have as I climb stairs or run with my dog. I started tucking my shirts in and wearing things a bit more fitted. I also take photographs once a week to examine progress made beyond the scale. And, of course, I’m still a pretty cool chick on the inside, too.

I’m not really sure when I will be OK with being where I am. I’m not sure when I will be able to fully accept my “new” body. But I’m going to keep focusing on the positive until I wake up one day and don’t even think about my body at all.

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