Sex advice: I want more sex than my man
To kick-start this new feature, a Best Health staffer—who shall remain nameless—asked for advice from two Canadian sex experts
By Dale Curd and Cheryl Fraser
"I’m in my early 40s, and find that I want more sex than my partner. Some of my friends say their relationships are the same. What is going on here—am I normal?"
Dale Curd answers:
The quick answer is no, there is nothing wrong with you. Your well-being is not affected by a difference between you and your partner and your sex drives. And while I’m on the subject, there is also nothing wrong with your man. You don’t mention whether your man is affected by any physical symptoms that may be impacting his libido—which affect one out of five men on average—and you also don’t mention whether the frequency of sex you’re having now is different from when you were first together, which also would be normal.
So, if I rule out physiological causes and normal relationship development I can tell you that men stop having sex because of what they are thinking. And a man’s thoughts about not having sex fall into three primary categories:
• Avoidance
Men often avoid sex to prevent themselves from being emotionally intimate because doing so will force up some feelings they don’t want to deal with. In our society men are not conditioned to know how to process strong emotion so they tend to either bottle up, or blow up. If your man is dealing with something he doesn’t want to feel he may be avoiding intimacy with you.
• Anger
Yes, men withhold sex because they’re angry; more specifically, because they are holding on to resentments or judgements, including self-judgement. Men typically don’t talk about these resentments or self-judgements but over time, they accumulate and can act as a barrier to sex for a man who is holding them inside.
• Ambivalence
Many men are floating through life in a state of melancholy, unwilling to passionately engage with anything or anyone. These men are grieving a major transition in their lives and are blocked in a feeling they don’t want to feel because it is painful for them. So they resist feeling it and as a result become disconnected from feeling any emotion fully. Ambivalence can also occur in a man who is emotionally spent. I see a few men in my practice who because of work insecurity, financial instability and relationship pressure are emotionally and energetically "tired," and therefore uninterested in sex.
So, what can you do about what your man is experiencing? As with women, a man’s greatest sex organ is his mind. Seduce him with understanding and you will ignite his libido. Listen to your man for what is ailing him and reaffirm his masculinity by letting him know that you believe he is strong enough to sort through any blocks in his way. Lubricate his resistance with empathy. Share with him the times when you have not been interested in sex. Let him know it happens frequently for many people. Understanding and empathy will dissolve his blocks and he will share and see that what awaits him when he shares is deep love—and more sex.
Cheryl Fraser answers:
There was a time when a woman with a robust libido might be given a “nymphomania” diagnosis—hmm, notice that there is no such insulting label for sexually charged men?—but luckily, we’ve moved out of the Dark Ages. So, congratulations: You’re in a significant minority of women who are more sexually motivated (read “hornier”) than their partner.
Female sexuality is strongly influenced by psychological desire; that is, great sex is all in our heads. In my private practice, women tell me all the time that before they can jump their partner, there has to be a perfect love-storm: They need to have had a good day at work, feel happy and relaxed, and, most of all, be in a good, conflict-free sweet spot with their lover. Men, by contrast, generally become physically aroused without being impacted so much by that thing called reality; they don’t need mental desire. Lucky them.
Some women in their 40s enjoy newly liberated sexual energy. At this stage of life they often discover they can get out of their head, and allow physical arousal to jump-start their sex drive without letting mental desire run the show. Feeling wiser, more confident and sexier quiets the worries that can form roadblocks to sexuality. And when this happens—look out. These women don’t wait to get in the mood, they simply take action (and therefore get a lot of action!).
So not only is there nothing wrong with you, your strong libido indicates that you are healthy and have enough life balance to allow your sexual arousal to be freed from the stress of your everyday life.
And despite the myths, most men are not sex machines. In many cases a man may be a little intimidated if his lover starts taking the initiative and telling him she wants it, and she wants it now. Your guy may be uncomfortable playing the role of the seducee, rather than the seducer, and he may need some warming up. I tell my female patients to flirt with their partner throughout the day to help him build his anticipation. Send him an erotic email or text, and let him know you can’t wait for him to get home so you can ravish him. Then surprise him in bed (on the couch, on the kitchen floor…) by trying something that isn’t part of your typical “nipple, nipple, crotch, goodnight”
routine. Pretty soon, he’ll think it was his idea, and a darn fine one at that.
Dale Curd is a counselor and one of Canada's leading authorities on men's issues. He works in private practice in Toronto and speaks internationally on men and the male perspective.
Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D., is a psychologist and sex therapist who lives in Duncan, B.C. She teaches a couples’ workshop, the Awakened Lover Weekend.
What do you think? Do you have your own advice to share? Tell us in the comments.
Web exclusive: September 2009
Im 20 years old and my boyfriend is 31 wev been dating for a year now and have had sex maybe 34 times... iv tryed flirting iv tryed sexy undies ive even tryed talking several times but its like hiting a brick wall i never get anywhere iv asked him if i was the problem are you not attracted to me? Iv found my self not trusting him and being suspicious of foul play on his part because he always turns me down and we go mounths with out any intimacy 5 at a time straight or 4 then two here and there iv found porn sites on his phone many times and he just dosent seem to care about how much i try how much money i spend or even how it makes me feel...he only seems to show no remorse for the fact it crushes me to see these web sites that I find on his phone.. i feel like im worthless and quite frankly not good enough
After being in both situations, married 15 years, husband wouldn't leave me alone. Then, a relationship where I wanted sex more than him. I couldn't understand why he didn't want it as much or more than me. Then, I realized what works and he would give me more attention. Men are by nature hunters and competitive. If he thinks, I get it whenever and you are always trying to get it on with your man but, he seems not interested... Try this.. 1st pay more attention to your appearance, be confident! Go out with friends and turn some heads. Tell your man how the guy at the store was flirting with you. And, never chase him for sex. Even though you want it. Act as if you're not interested in sex, wear cute lil outfits, make yourself up. And, when your man gets turned on and tries to get frisky, be coy. Tell him no a few times. Seems that most men want what they can't have. Tease him a bit then tell him no. Before long your man will be doing flips to get your attention. It's hard at first because you really do want it. But, remember, a man loves a chase, a challenge! And, ladies, if you don't have any toys, get some. Keep in night stand. And, one of those nights you want some, he's "asleep", Pleasure yourself while laying next to him. If that doesn't get him going, do this often. And, after pleasuring yourself, go to sleep (or try to). If after that he gets touchy feely, tell him you're tired now and tell him no. That'll get him thinking, I promise. All has to do with his ego.. Before you know it, your man will be giving you more attention than you want. Play hard to get, dress sexy (high heels, sexy clothes and panties) And, be open to some porn and role play, talking naughty and encouraging him to express his sexual fantasies (no matter what they are). Most men's fantasy is a 3way, so, don't be offended, its normal. You really wanna get him going, explore that fantasy by talking about it when you 2 are getting on or just talk about it a little if you're trying to get him turned on. Just relax and maybe talk about things sexually that you never would of dreamed of. Be open and not judgmental. Go with it and have fun. Think about some of these ideas. Every situation is different. Relax and enjoy life.
My girlfriend, whom I love very very much tells me that she thinks we are not evenly matched sexually. She loves me without a doubt but is concerned about this and I feel like she is pulling away. Sex with her is very gratifying and we explore a lot of different ways of having it. The problem is she wants it more than me. I think about her all the time and have a deep burning desire to keep her pleased. But sometimes I do find myself rejecting her. I know it hurts her, I can see it in her face and body language. It hurts me too. I know I am younger and should be a rocking her world as often as she wants but I'm not. She does everything right when it comes to building me up prior to but I see that her efforts are becomeing less and less. I will do whatever it takes to increase my sex drive. Workout, eat right, meditate, etc.... whatever it takes. I just want to fullfill her. For myself it hurt and actually embarrased me a little when she said that. Kind of felt insecure too. How do I get to where I want to be? How do I confirm to her that we are sexually matched? How do I regain my security in this relationship? Because that messed me up a little.
After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by reffering him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email cafaispiritualtemple@yahoo.com) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.
Hello I am a 39 year old divorced woman. My ex husband was abusive and cheated on me.
Being in my late thirties, I very much enjoy love, touching and affection often with a high libido.
I have been with two men in the past that i was completely satisfied with. I often would get what i was desiring and as often as i wanted. outside of the bedroom, i was not happy with many areas of our relationship.
I am currently with a wonderful man of 8 months now. We have become a family with our three daughters (from other partners of course). We love spending time together, laugh often and have mostly the same future goals. A real match made in heaven.
My boyfriend wakes up for work at 5 am and often has back or knee pain (work related). I am often the one to pursue him in bed and he is often too tired to preform. I start out by giving him a nice message leading to foreplay and half the time he is passed out on me. On top of that with his back and knees hurting him on occasion, it is not possible to try some of the positions that i have enjoyed in the past.
I am wondering what is the best way to go about this so we are both happy and with out him feeling pressure to preform. I have tried going to bed with him earlier, but he still passes out often. I honestly want more love, affection and sex more often than he does or is up to. What can i do?
Seriously, though, what is this supposed to mean:
'Listen to your man for what is ailing him and reaffirm his masculinity by letting him know that you believe he is strong enough to sort through any blocks in his way. Lubricate his resistance with empathy. Share with him the times when you have not been interested in sex. Let him know it happens frequently for many people. Understanding and empathy will dissolve his blocks and he will share and see that what awaits him when he shares is deep love—and more sex."
So when he says he is just tired and stressed out from working all day, just like everyone else does, just like I am tired and stressed from looking after a small child all day, just like I was tired and stressed after work when I was working, if I just say 'yes honey, I understand how you must be very tired, you work so hard at such a stressful job' and just point how many men in their late forties can't get / maintain an erection. If I am empathetic enough and say it often enough for long enough and mean it enough then eventually he will want sex again? Yeah, right.How about some real advice on what to do for a husband who doesn't seem interested in sex for no apparent reason. Of course if we could all be on vacation all the time with full-time nannies and maids and cooks then we would have no stress and lots of time and energy for sex but we live in the real world and I still want sex! How come every other gal that I know complains that their husband won't leave them alone but I feel like I must be the ugliest, most unattractive, unsexy woman ever because my husband is not interested? He rarely initaltes things and if I do then he rejects me summarily as if I have offended his sensibilities. How about the author gives some reasons that these things happen and provides us with some solutions? It's not like he is going to "talk about it" because, well, come on, he's a guy, and he's just not into "talking about it" because he's not a woman! Please give us some help for real men.
Been married 43 years and 30 of those years have been without sex.
Wife has always wanted more sex than I. I didn't realize when first married I wasn't the intimate type.
But really our sex life has been lousy. No sex on wedding night nor honeymoon, not until about 6 months later. I went with the program and figured thats ok.
I worked nights nad started tot have ED and other med issues which I took meds for. Killed the Libido which was fine with me. Wife still would like to have sex but I remind her that will never happen again