6 reasons men say no to sex
Are you getting turned down in the bedroom? Don't worry, it's not about you. Here are six reasons your partner might be saying no to sex, and what you can do about them
By Jennifer Goldberg
Why does he turn down sex?
When it comes to sex, men are ready to go at any time, right? Well, not always, says 29-year-old P.J., an online producer from Toronto. “It’s rare that I don’t want to have sex, but the times I will say no are when I’m thinking about something intensely and I can’t pull myself out of it,” he explains.
Not even a surprise birthday visit from his girlfriend wearing lingerie could pique his interest one time when he was deep in thought. “I was feeling pensive and I didn’t want to be outside of myself. And with sex, you want to connect with somebody,” he says.
It may be difficult to imagine that a healthy heterosexual man would turn down a woman wearing a thong. However, P.J. is far from alone in this situation, says Vancouver-based sex therapist David McKenzie. “In the last two years, I’ve noticed more clients of mine than before are men lacking sexual desire and it’s the women who are initiating sex,” he says.
If your partner is turning down your advances there’s probably a good explanation for his lack of interest—and it likely has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Here are some common reasons why men say no, and what you can do to get him back to saying, “Yes!”
1. He’s suffering from depression
“Clinical depression is one of the biggest killers of sex drive in men,” says McKenzie. Men of all ages, even teenagers, may experience much lower sex drive when they’re struggling with this mood disorder.
What you can do: “Remember that clinical depression is a physical illness and not a character weakness,” says McKenzie. There are plenty of online resources available to help you and your partner better understand depression and how it can affect your relationship. (The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, for example, has some tips on how to cope.) The key here is patience, especially during treatment—while antidepressants are very effective in treating depression, they can also contribute to low sexual interest. Your partner may want to speak to a doctor, however, if he notices that treatment is severely interfering with his sex drive.
2. His testosterone levels are low
“When a man gets to be over 40, his testosterone levels begin to decrease,” says McKenzie. “If this happens mildly over time, then a man will gradually lose his sexual prowess. But sometimes males can lose testosterone very rapidly.” This condition is sometimes referred to as andropause and comes with symptoms that include loss of energy, depressive symptoms and low sex drive.
What you can do: Low testosterone is a physical condition that can be treated by a physician. If you suspect your partner is experiencing some of the symptoms associated with andropause, suggest he ask his doctor for a testosterone test to determine if low levels are to blame for his lack of desire.
3. He's got trouble with the plumbing
Though erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are common problems, says McKenzie, a man who experiences these difficulties may withdraw from his partner for fear that she’ll be disappointed or think that he’s less of a man.
“It’s hard on a man’s self esteem to not be able to perform in bed,” explains David, a 28-year-old musician from Toronto. “Growing up, guys always talk about being a player and being able to perform well sexually. It’s part of guy culture.”
What you can do: This can be a difficult subject to discuss with your partner, but don’t avoid the issue, says McKenzie. A problem left untreated could result in resentment between partners down the road. Approach the situation very delicately, David advises. “Start by saying, ‘You know I love you no matter what,’” he suggests. “Don’t make a big deal out of it or make him feel like it will affect your interest in him as a partner if he can’t make it happen.”
4. He’s stressed out about his career
Worrying about work can be a real mood killer for many men, especially if they tend to equate professional success with self-worth. “It’s the times when I feel like I’m going nowhere and accomplishing nothing in my career that I will spiral into a negative place and I would say no to sex,” David explains.
What you can do: Discuss the situation away from the bedroom. “Right before bed isn’t always the best time to engage in a deep conversation,” says David. Instead, mutually decide on a good time to chat about what’s going on in his life. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support him through a stressful time, but be clear that his demanding job is taking a toll on your relationship.
5. He’s exhausted
Chances are, if your partner says he’s too tired for some late-night nookie, he’s really exhausted. “If I’m a little tired, I’m usually up for it,” says David. “But there are times when I’m just so dead to the world I’m physically incapable [of having sex].”
What you can do: Don’t take it personally. According to McKenzie, about 98 percent of the men he counsels would say that their lack of sexual interest has nothing to do with how they feel about their partners. P.J. concurs. “It would be a turn-off if my partner were to make the issue about her, because then I would feel guilty on top of being exhausted,” he says. Rather than acting hurt or angry, set the stage for a conversation about what’s going on in his life to make him so tired. But if the problem persists for more than six weeks, it’s time to consider getting help from a therapist or physician.
6. You’re moving too fast
If a new man you’re dating turns down an invitation to “come upstairs for a nightcap,” he could be trying to tell you that he’s not ready to sleep with you yet. “There’s a lot of emotional involvement that comes with having sex with somebody,” says P.J. “How do you get skin to skin with someone you don’t know?”
What you can do: Slow down—this could be a sign that the guy wants to get to know you better before getting physical. Take the declined invitation in stride and remember that, despite what your father might have told you before the prom, guys do have more than one thing on their minds. “We’re emotional beings too, and we want more than just sex,” says P.J.
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Web exclusive: December 2008
My boyfriend and I have definitely had our ups and downs. However, I thought we fixed them. We live together and sleep in the same bed. Before, we didn't have sex and that bothered me. I feel sexually unattractive. I feel like I'm not doing anything right. So, we have an hour of foreplay before bed but he refuses to have sex with me. He has an erection the entire time but he still doesn't want to have sex and every day he says he wants sex. I feel as I'm being led on and not getting what was promised. I feel bad for wanting sex so badly but it's human nature and I want our relationship to be completely serious. I think this is getting to a bad point where I'm always sexuallyf frustrated and looking for release. I have often thought of cheating on him but I love him too much for that. I need help :( I just want to connect with him in more of a personal way. Why do I have to wait so long?
Ok so my husband has given up porn. The reasons for doing so are because A. He's christian and porn is considered lust/adultery and is a sin and B. It bothers me. So in his aim to be spiritually healthy, he has given it up. Plus, science shows that internet porn addiction causes Erectile Dysfunction. Anyway, since he's associated sex with lust and porn since he was a young boy, he doesn't know how to re-program his brain to see as sex as anything else. As a result, he has no sex drive. We've only been married a year and I was a virgin when we got married. When we first had sex, well- it was only 2 months of attempts since it really hurt me. So we got off to a really rough start and sex was traumatic for both of us. I thought newlyweds were supposed to have sex on a daily basis- like rabbits LOL! But that's not how it has been for us. We seldom had sex b/c of how much it hurt me. And even still I get nervous for intercourse but once he's in, it's ok. The problem is, I cannot have an orgasm through intercourse. I just don't know how that's possible. But my husband does so that's all that matters to me. But, I need the practice in order to be a better lover. The last few times we had sex it was the best so far. How can I help my husband see sex as a loving, intimate, connection while he struggles with trying to abstain from the lustful part? I know lust is partly needed, but I mean in terms of needing porn? Does that make sense?
My boyfriend of 5 months doesnt want to have sex with me. There is no depression, no lack of sex drive, or any of that stuff. He just simply refuses to let us go that far. There is a large age difference of about 10 years. We took it very slow. We got to know eachother properly. I have met and hang out with his family at home plenty. We get along great, are very playful, and know how to deal with eachother's downsides. We give eachother space, yet make it so easy to trust eachother (and im typically very paranoid and do not trust any men). He earned my trust and I am positive he is not cheating. I sleep over his house frequently and we hang out all the time. We openly talk about porn, sex, fantasies and share stories. But the only thing we haven't done yet IS SEX! I want it, and he APPARENTLY wants it. We do get intimate in the bedroom, but soon as I try and go the full way he always says No, I have to wait till my birthday!!! We play with eachother and everything, but he wont let me give head and he wont give me the dick! Lol...he is NOT gay I can promise you that. (i know thats what many are thinking). Ive always been insecure about being too skinny (I have a good metabolism i cant help it!!!), because I know so many men, including my man, GLORIFY the big ass and tits. I cant help but get even more insecure that he jerks off to girls with bigger features than I, eSPECIALLY when he wants to jerk off to them instead of do the dirty with me. It makes me feel like my body is just not good enough. As if, if i had bigger features, we wouldve done it by now and he wouldve gotten over the age thing at this point. He just feels so wrong about the age difference....he says its a respect thing to wait until I turn 19, and if i was older we would have done it by now. BUT How can that make sense? Can anyone help me understand? FYI, i DO acknowledge that hes an absolute keeper and proves himself as a gentleman by being able to say no to sex overall. But i just dont see why NOT at this point. He gets mad when i attempt tell him how useless i think it is because we are already in a serious relationship, if he cared about the age so bad shouldnt that stop him from the relationship + sex, not JUST sex? we sleep naked and everything. sigh..
Seems no-one is addressing the "Real" Issue as to why Husbands or guys don't have sex with their women. It's because the women tend to get lazy with their looks which in essence turns the men off. Married women or women in relationships are apt to look stunning on a night out than they are at home. What man wants to make love to his woman if she looks like a hag? Women seem to forget what got them laid in the first place (Their Looks!) Any man thats having trouble at home would surely Rize to the occasion if given the opportunity for a free pass with a Sexy looking lady that has a nice build and gives off that sexy vibe. Men are, will always be Visual. So if he sees you looking like you don't care, well neither will he.
I see many list like this. All of them seem to have a, " He would if he could!" vibe to them. Some men actively choose not to have sex. My reason is because I have morals and don't just put my plug in any outlet. I am physically attracted to women but unlike popular belief I do not enter a room full of women and start humping legs. Similarly my sweet tooth doesn't force me to eat a whole sheet cake. Sometimes we are just not attracted to the woman. Sometimes we are going for a more spiritual pursuit when we say NO.
more than tired I have been married for 12 years been with my hubby 25 our relationship has taken a low in sex it is horrible. It's been like this for the last 10 years some days good some days bad. Being sexually frustrated is nothing nice
My husband n I av lived 2gedr 4 10yrs but with no kids, we went 2 different temples and magicians , all 2no avail. This caused frustration and my husband leftme alone for another woman. I was so bitter,cried and Ieven tried to commit suicide, it was by this river bank while trying 2get my self drowned that I met this man.I explained all my problems to him and he laughed and told me to go to internet to search for wiseindividualspell@gmail.com that he will help me solve my problem . At first I taught he was some ritualist or another scammer just wanting to take advantage of my helplessness. He cast the spell and in 3days that he told that the spell will start working my husband came back to me begging and not only that I have my love of 10years back, am also 2months pregnant. I just want 2thank wiseindividualspell@gmail.com this , have always believed there are no real spell casters again,but this great man showed me there is power 2whom power has been given. His name is Dr.Zack Balo from the wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.
Thank you for a well written article for men, finally. We often see women's issues being discussed but have little to go on as men. And to point #6: I turned down sex with a lady that I was very interested in, but just not ready for becoming that intimate. She turned it into a big deal and really spoiled the chemistry for me. But I have been taught that if a woman says "no" you take it in stride, be understanding. So this lady's reaction actually stunned me.
Men are often ridiculed for being emotional (by other men and by women). But let's face it, we are all human beings filled to them brim with emotion.
I have met Pedro five (7) months ago and I felt since the very first moment this is the love of my life. The first month he was indifferent to the situation even I felt he was behind all women except me. I asked myself: Does he know that I exist? I was feeling terrible about this because deep in my mind I knew he was the right person for me. My friend, Julia told me: There is this man he might help you. I was skeptical at the beginning to be honest because I never believe in these types of things. I decided to contact dodogodssolution and he was very sweet, and he knew also that Pedro was meant to be my soul mate. She sent me a Love Spell that worked in weeks he invited me to dinner, then to the disco, then to the theater…..now he is just mine!! Thank you so much.he his ready to help you solved your problem now just contact him at dodogodssolution@yahoo.com
My fiance turns me down somtimes when I really want to have sex. He says he is tired but he didnt do anything to make him tired. It hurts my feeling and makes me feel unattractive. It makes me want to just go out and find someone who would appreciate my sexuality to get him back. I keep my figure looking hot and wear sexy lingerie. We have been together for 8 months now. All of a sudden he doesnt want to have sex every night anymore even though I really need it. I'm not sure what to think or do.
I am a 41 year old woman married to my husband who is 13 years older than I am, and he says he doesn't have the desire for any intimacy what so ever.I am lucky to even snuggle with him or have him hold my hand, I get about one kiss a day...again if I am lucky!
I have to trust in God and my husband that he is not cheating on me. He says he would like to have the desire back but we have no idea where to start. We have a long history together and our story is truly a fairytale. When we first re-connected, our intimate relationship was beyond belief, but after we got married it slowly diminished. I am hurt and saddened at the same time and he is well aware of my feelings. I just want to be the supportive wife and see him through this...any advice would be greatly appreciated. BTW, he did have his testosterone levels tested and they are normal.
I dated my wife for 6 years, when we were still dating after i have proposed to her and fixing a date for our marriage she stop calling, talking, and coming over to my place just 2 months before our wedding she told her friends and relatives that she saw me with another lady and that I’m a lier so that wedding was automatically cancelled. When I go over to her place they tell me that she was not at home so one day a friend of mine told me about therapist oniha and told me that he can help me win her love back. He gave me his contact and I cantacted him, when I wrote he told me that she will come back to me that I should stop stressing myself and that I stop calling her and going to her place that she will be back to me. One weeks after she started called my friends and told them she was sorry that she have missed me. And time when back to normal and now I am happily with her with one kid so contact oniha for your truelove and spiritual consultation Email: winexbackspell@gmail.com Thank you for your help oniha I am grateful.
I am a 56 year old woman that has just started a relationship with a 27 year old man who is a very attractive and fun individual. He was the one who seeked me out and I even tried to avoid this relationship due to the extreme age difference. He claims that age has nothing to do with it and that I sure do not look or act like I am 56 and he finds me very attractive, fun and interesting.
Now, my question is why is this very nice looking young man who seems to really like me, does not seem to really be that concerned about sex. Don't get me wrong, we have very good sexual interactions when we have them but he just is not that concerned about how much sex he can get. I have to say this is something very unusual to me coming from a man, especially a young man. He says that sex is not the most important or interest he has in me.
Am I worrying for nothing, can anyone help me understand this or give me some advice?
My name is Melony, i had a problem with my husband sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked him but he refused to tell me what it was as time goes on i discovered he was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man who helped her with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my husband back from her even after the spell caster did all. i discovered my husband fell much more in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone on this blog havin similar problem visit thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com and your problems shall be solved…
my boyfriend of two years let me for another girl because i accuse him of seen another girl and since then i have been trying to get him but he refuse to come back to me,he was not responding to my call or email and he even unfriend me in facebook and he told me that he is done with me.i was searching on the internet for help and i saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and i explain my problems to him and he cast a love spell for me and guarantee me of 3days that my ex will come back to me and to my greatest surprise the third day a great miracle fell on me and my ex come back to me on the third day and he beg me for forgiveness ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com i will continue to publish his name because he is my Savior and we are about to get married.if you need him to help you Email ultimatespelltemple@gmail.com
My bf & I have not been together long 2 months. He is 3 years younger. He is a virgin (i am his first gf). I am not i have had many bfs. We are very passionate can't stop kissing,hugging,touching, and he tells me everyday how beautiful i am and how attractive i am. He said he can't have sex with me (or anything oral) even though he wants to. He won't tell me why. He hinted its something medical. He has no problem finishing through handjobs. He is not religious. It's so hard because I am falling in love with him and sex for me is something that shows fondness and I care so much about him. Does anyone have any idea what could be wrong? Please help.
i was with my man for four years and we had a healthy relationship we were so insync and i did anything he wanted to try sexually and then he told me last summer he cheated on me with some random chic and didnt use protection he also dated this girl while he was seeing me as well . I ended up taking him back because im a strong believer of second chances. But the problem is our sex life isnt the same since he cheated i end up getting really turned off and bored and i dont know what to do i love him but im not sure if i wanna be with him anymore its really frustrating. All my friends till me i could do so much better and not to settle for less they also tell me he doesnt know my worth which is true. the thing is its been 4 years and how am i supposed to just end it? I have invested a great deal of time into this relationship
I don't see why people think men are supposed to be the sexually active ones. I think I'm the only guy at my high school who actually hates the idea of having sex, I am not gay; I find sex of any kind revolting and a complete waste of time. I find certain girls attractive, but none to the point where I'd want to have sex with them. I think the depression links to me almost certainly; and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to improve my libido. I think it's fair to say I am one of the very few men on this planet who hate the idea of sex entirely.
My bf and me have been together a year and a half and used to have sex all the time. Now it has stopped and he comes up with different excuses each time. Haven't had sex for 1 month now, he's not loving, doesn't show me affection and doesn't tell me he loves me. Im not sex mad but it's horrible that my boyfriend won't be loving and show me affection, I just feel unattractive and it really knocks your confidence. I love him but I can't help thinking I deserve better. I do everything for him.
"“How do you get skin to skin with someone you don’t know?”
My god for many if not most men this is pretty easy. The troubles start when you get to know the person. That's when the boredom, lack of attraction and loss of desire for sex really starts. It's a rare relationship that is sexless at the beginning and then improves. Actually it is almost unheard of in this day and age.
Honesty, I don't think I would stay in a relationship if my partner and I had not had sex in two years unless we were both elderly or they were depressed. A relationship with no intimacy is a friendship.
All of these comments are plausible, but they are all feminine efforts at avoiding the obvious. Long conversations, he might be this, he might be that. It's as simple as the premise behind the 2009 film. 'He's just not that into you.'
HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU SEXUALLY.
Reasons my boyfriend has turned me down:
Too tired
Not in the mood
We already did it last night
The world's ending tonight so no (my personal favourite)
Sex slows down after marraige,enough said. Don't let any fancy ladies home journal editor tell you any dIfferent. Men get bored after awhile. Having sex with the same Person over a d over again for years takes a toll on a man's sexual desire for that woman. It has nothing to do with not or loving her. Lust and love are not the same thing. I don't feel bad about not wanting sex when my wife does, If I'm not feelIng it, it's not gonna happen and that's the bottom line. Ladies, stop bothering us! We're tired and we're not getting any younger, so leave us be! If we want it, we'll come and get it! It's like I told my wife, " baby I love you, but don't bother me. " my wife knows that I'm not holding her hostage. That door is right in the living room where it's always been. I want her to be happy but if she's not, then don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. I must be doing something right, she hasn't left yet. Ladies if you want to get into a mans head, watch Married with Children. It's all true!
im a man, and im telling you, your man is just sick of the one women. he needs a bit of "strange" if he's not suffering from depression thats what its all about the bit of strange!!!! bottom line!!!
@Me don't marry him!! I dealt with the same thing 7 years after marriage I'm looking at divorcing him. We've been together 10 years now. People think we have the best marriage because we kiss and hold hands but that's as far as it goes! He looks at porn and may touch me once a month if he's had a lot to drink. It is a sad and lonely life and nobody can relate and love to say "he's so nice" which makes me the bad guy because I'm so frustrated. We had a box or condoms (no reason for me to be on birth control) and I had to throw them out because they expired. It's a sad lonely marriage but he's my best friend, I just wish I had a husband.
My bf (24) and I have been together 4 years, we were friends for about a year before that. I admit things started off a little fast, we were living together within the first year. We have a nine month old baby. So we WERE having sex multi times a day until about half way thru my pregancy. Then it slowed A LOT. In the past nine months I can count the number of times we've had sex on my hands! and we haven't had sex at all in 4months!!! He still shows love...not as greatly as he used to...he says he loves me and hasn't lost interest in me...but at this point its just hard to believe.
I love him but I can not go on like this much longer. About 7 years ago he was dig. w/crohn's disease, and for a little over the past year we believe he has been having issues with it. He has been extra moody for this past year+He has recently been seeing a doctor and they have done some testing.
I know this could cause some loss of desire.....but COMPETELY??? What else could it be? I want to believe hes not cheating...but again at this point idk!
Porn - trust me.
Im 34 my fiance is 43. Wr been together goin on 4 years. We use to have sex quiet a bit. But lately he says no. When i start my monthly i want to just satisfy him. But he says no. I have never told him no. Even if i dont want to. He dont french kiss me always pop kiss. And no kissing when we have sex. But what really gets me is he will turn me down but he will watch porn. What sense.does that make.
I'm not married or anything but my sex partner of 8 months turned me down FLAT! I said I wanted to have sex with him and he said thank you for the compliment but I'll pass. Now he's normally not that rude to me but that kinda makes me fee kinda like it is something about me.
I'm about to give up on my almost 4 year relationship. We are both in our late 20's and my bf denies me CONSTANTLY. We used to go at it minimum twice each day ....that was in the start of our relationship of course now....I'm lucky if I get it once every 3 weeks !!! I don't know what to do anymore. How can I be with someone that does not meet my needs ?? And it's not like I don't try to initiate it !!! I thought men my age were supposed to be the ones begging for it .....women are supposed to fake the headache to get a night off ....no?????
Yes, there are plenty of cases where men have shunned themselves from sex. Men suffering from health problems are not inclined towards sex. Beside he might not have the energy. It’s necessary that he is healthy physically and mentally .
http://www.trustviagra.com
I'm a fit and healthy 26 year old, I have no sex drive whatsoever. I'm not gay by any means, but over the past couple years I've lost interest in women and sex in general. I've never had a girlfriend or any sexual relations and wanted one throughout school but it never happened, and I no longer have any drive to seek one out, additionally I don't know how. I found that in school I was trying so hard to meet societies academic standards and I lived so far away from peers that I never connected well socially, and with the economic state today I'm still stressed just to make ends meet so I tend to stay by myself.
My bo of 11 yrs. has quit drinking and resorted to a low dose of antidepressants to help him. He says when he is on the meds. he doesn't have a sex drive but when really he does. He watches porn now and again. I know this sounds weird but when right siding clothes for washing I have noticed he has self gratified. We had 4 days off together and I can't help taking it personal that he didn't share his drive with me. He initially is shy and walled off but we've been together this long why can't he be comfortable? I am frustrated, hurt, and trying to not take it personal due to his struggles with sobriety, but I am human.
I am having the same problems... My fiance has stopped having sex with me. I, 100%, do not think there is another woman. He is not the type nor are there any signs or feelings of another woman. We use to have a great sex life...three/four times a week or more. Since June, it has dwindle to once a week, than once every two weeks and now we are at once a month and counting....I'm about to end the relationship because I am not marrying a man I can't have sex with. He says he doesn't know the problem and figures we will deal with it, but yet, he dosn't do anything about it...like research, seek a doctor's help, try to have sex, etc. We stopped talking about it and nothing. Nothing helps and I am losing my luster for him due to the lack of communication and his severity of the problem. If he felt we could work thru this as a team, then maybe it would be okay but he wants to deal with it himself. I said, "OK, make sure that I am still leaving in this house when you came to your conclusion, roomie!" Mean, I know...but I am exhausted from sadness. Please help!
im 24 m married to my wife but for some reson i dont know why my sexuall desire is gone please help me i love my wife and shes very attractive so thats not the reason . but i need help , i do have a problem with getting off though so it might be that , that never used to be a problem though
Men stop having sex when along career and family, everything becomes an expectation wihin the relationship. I am goIng through this at the moment and my sex drive has NEVER been worse. I feel like enough is never enough. When home is no longer a place to relax, sex will go out of the window.
He ain't a robot, honey. Men are people just like women. Some of us just arent interested in it, and no that doesn't mean we are gay. It just means we have better things to do. One of my female friends actually summed it up for me in a nutshell one day, she said "People who want sex all the time are just stupid, because they can't think of anything else to do with themselves."
32/m
I got married not long ago and before our marriage, we had sex twice a night most nights... Even after the wedding, the two weeks after we were still having sex often... then during the third and fourth, it drops... Now, we are still within our first year together, but sex once or twice every two weeks... What can I do to get him to not say no? I still take care of myself down there as I always have... I act the same... I'm doing everything the same and even he has admitted I'm doing nothing different... We're still really young... 20's... I love him dearly, but I want more bedroom action... He say's he is tired, but he isn't working any different job or hours or type of work since we've been together? Is there something I can do to turn him on and make him want sex???
Wrong,Rj.
My husband is 40 and depressed.For the last two years he has spent all his time playing a game online and ignoring everything else,including sex.
I'm the one who cheated,because I'm 6 years younger and in my sexual prime.It is not fair that because he has shut down sexually that I have to give it up!
My husband knows I have a lover and while it doesn't make him happy,he lets me since he said "sex just isn't everything anymore".
I'm very distressed. I've always had a high sex drive for a woman. In my previous relationship, my bf turned me down often for sex, but we still had sex almost every day. I felt like we couldn't get enough of each other. Now, my current bf and I have sex maybe once or twice a week. He still lives with his parents, though, and I know he's not cheating. He's had a lot of stress lately with his job, so I've attributed it to that. Reading over these responses now, I'm not sure. Am I doing something wrong? I'm tired of trying to get him into the bedroom only to be turned down and left embarrassed and disappointed. What should I do?
I truly believe a lot of men's "problems" are psychological and related to confidence. I'm a 44yr old male living with a 29 yr old woman. I have a very active libido ... we have sex at least once daily, often more frequently ... I masturbate even more often on top of that. I'm much more pre-occupied with the deed than I should be, and have every confidence in the world that all is well in the plumbing dept.
Despite this, I have occasional bouts of impotence, and know they're related to the confidence issue. Sometimes, if my person is aggressive and demanding before I'm fully primed, it puts pressure on me to satisfy her and it just lays there. Sometimes when we share our bed with particularly attractive people (of course we're into that), the same thing happens and I know its caused by pressure to perform and impress. The more I worry about it (and I do) the less it cooperates. My reasoning brain screams at me to stop worrying about it ... but to no avail. sometimes, it'll last a cpl days because everytime I try to get intimate, I remember the previous failure.
It's almost debilitating .. LOL. My advice to the ladies .... patient understanding if it does happen ... PLEASE don't act disappointed ... it only aggravates it and makes us ashamed of our inadequacy. Also: make yourself aware of your man's "confidence drainers" ... and try to avoid them. But most of all ... have fun :)
Wow RJ, way to represent the ignorant man. In my last serious relationship I was almost always up for a romp, but as I work 10 hour days mon-fri, every week, there were some nights when my GF tried to initiate some late-night action and i just wasn't up for it. she was furious and couldn't understand. "my friends boyfriend NEVER turns down sex." is the comment i would get before she rolled over and refused to say anything. am i really that bad for not wanting sex at 12:30 when i get up at 5:30? i don't think so, especially because we were regularly having sex a minimum once a day at that point, usually right when we both got home from work/school, and then again later. i have an important role in our business and 5 hours sleep was already causing a decline in my performance the next day. before we were together i had myself in a good groove of getting 7 hours each night. i changed my entire routine for her and then get bitched at when i finally stand up and say no (and very rarely at that!). actually kinda funny, it ended up being the demise of our relationship.
anyway, my point is: there are times when guys just aren't in the mood. whether in deep thought, exhausted, or just not in the mood, there are many reasons. there are times, though rare, that i would rather just relax or sleep. ladies, take this as a hint, if your man says no and he's too tired, do this: cuddle up with him and have a snooze or let him get some probably much-needed rest. he'll appreciate you all the more for it the next time (or at least, i do!).
I know this is all about the ladies and their frustrations but.....
I am a 43 yr old male who is healthy and still somewhat good looking. I have always been able to perform at any given time and have only ever turned my wife down once (she was too drunk and I felt as if I was taking advantage of her). I love my wife deeply and still find her beautiful and arousing. Once she hit the 40 mark, all her drive has gone too hell. She uses excuses of being too tired (I am too) , I feel fat and unattractive, and simply just no. She is not fat or unattractive as people that we meet even say how pretty she is. I still WANT her, but she has no desire at all. We have tried many things in our marriage from toys, positions, etc. and I have never had any complaints in the sex department. I think I do a pretty good job of keeping her satisfied. We have 3 girls which are very busy and demanding of our time. We make sure to spend time away so we can connect as a couple again, but sex does not always come into play. I feel as if sex is used as a reward for good behavior. Screw that! I am a good father,husband ,and provider. If you ladies keep using sex as a tool, guys will lose interest in even trying. I am at my wits end. I don't even make an attempt anymore. It's not worth the effort or rejection. Ladies, watch what you wish for, It may just happen! Men have feelings and desires too, but it's not a one way street. You also have to be willing to work at it without putting a leash on his neck!
i got tired of always asking my husband for sex & hearing too tired as an excuse
after an 18month dry spell - i joined a gym - bought a good BOB (battery operated boyfriend) & got on with it
Its interesting to see the various comments and reasons. I have been married for 40 years. My wife and I once agreed that we would never go to bed angry with each other and that we would have sex every night. Didn't work. The most important part is maintaining a loving relationship. Every time you argue, harp on something or put your spouse down you are chipping away at your realtionship. Piss on my parade once and I can get over it, piss on my head every day and pretty soon I just won't care anymore. To have good sex there needs to be a positive emotional attachment.
Of course I have cheated...I am a man for christsakes. Get over it. Everyone I cheated with was a woman and all of them were married. Women like excitement too people. If you are stuck in a rut go get some on the side yourself. Be like the French and don't ask about your spouses extracurricular life. If they come home at night and are happy whats it all about.
From what every one is saying I’m the bad guy in the catagory of a husband who dosen’t want sex.
And it is very true I don’t even want to go there. I’am
in my mid 60’s and my wife is in her 60’s also. My wife would like sex once in a while and she whines about this and other things at me about it. We’ve been married 43 years an I would guess the last sex was about 20-25 years ago.
I love my wife then and now, were not as great physicaly any more. but that is OK.
When we first got married we were both virgins, wedding night wife wasn’t in the mood for sex, and when we did go on a honeymoon things weren’t a whole lot better. When we had sex, I just couldn’t get into it.It was like Ok we did that so whats next. In a way I guess I followed my parents they had no intamicy at all. My mom actually hated my dad.She said that just before she passed away, not to bury next to my dad. It never was exciting, we didn’t experiment it was always missionary and nothing else. Time went on we had two kids and they seemed to consume all our resources. I worked nights and weekends, my wife worked part time during the day. We saw each other coming and going at the front door. Needless to say sex was pushed to the bottom of the list. Here we are in our 60’s, I have high blood pressure, colesterol issues, mild depression and sleep problems plus I weigh to much. I take pills for all that. All these pills have erased my libdo. Can’t take viagra or anything like that, it effects my eyes, I get dizzy this is on the low dosage. So maybe I have something wrong with me. Its to late for sex. I’m fine without the sex and intimacy thing.
Alittle advise for the younger folks, straighten your problems out early in life. Find time for your needs, and be atuned to your partners. Experiment and have sex like rabbits and enjoy yourselves. Those who schedule time for sex do it at that time. Don't be afraid of sex toys they won't bite. Get kinky once in awhile, do different things. Remember talk to each other, don't be to proud or enbaressed.
Ive been married for 9 years. I am in very good shape and have two kids. Men look twice when they see me. My husband offen says no to sex. Sometimes a month will go by. I feel so confused. He is very focused on making money and buying toys. I tried to talk to him, and he just laughs if off. I feel very alone and I just dont understand I am sure alot of men wouldn't mind to have me as there wife... I love my husband with all my hart but I feel worthless... Why Why Why ??? I know there is no one else because he was single for 3 years when I met him. He loves to spend time with the guys, fishing, quading, golfing... I left a sexy photo on his cel and he deleted it... We never ever talk about sex. He is very selfsenterd. We always do things his way. He doesnt spend alot of time with the kids, its like his living in his own world. What can I do to fix it? He was adobted - could that be it ? I just don't know any more....
me and this guy have been dating for bout 4 mos and he doesnt come on to me at all i do it all but hes been turning me away everytime he always says come on stop and he turns away from me or hell say oh im to tired but hell wrap himself around me at night though what is the problem ? ill ask him and hell tell me i work 6 days a week. ya know i work just as hard but i dont do the work he does ya know , i always think is there something wrong with me is he getting somewhere else but the thing is hes with me all the time he goes to work in the morn calls me every moment he can help me on this
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Great answers but they are only excuses. I believed all of these for over 30 years only to find that with the cover of multiple personalities and his pathological narcissism, my ex-husband was able to convince me that he was impotent. I stayed because I took a vow for better or worse and I didn't see that I was being used as a cover for his bizarre behaviors which included membership in a BDS&M house. I made the marriage look believable which was exactly what he wanted. When I left him he confessed to his "secret life" without me which began on our wedding day and was there all along. I thought I was ugly...I'm not. I thought I was unattractive...I'm not. I'm just guilty of denial and I believed him. It cost me children and a loving home for his extreme selfishness. Unfortunately, for him, it has almost cost him his life. I won't hate him but I do regret being that uneducated. Please don't encourage people to look at shallow reasons for their poor marriages. There are some really sick people out there that are quite capable of using their partners up completely. Only the relationships where both partners are truly committed to each other and are seeking the guidance of the Almighty God will there be a great marriage.