6 reasons men say no to sex
Are you getting turned down in the bedroom? Don't worry, it's not about you. Here are six reasons your partner might be saying no to sex, and what you can do about them
By Jennifer Goldberg
Why does he turn down sex?
When it comes to sex, men are ready to go at any time, right? Well, not always, says 29-year-old P.J., an online producer from Toronto. “It’s rare that I don’t want to have sex, but the times I will say no are when I’m thinking about something intensely and I can’t pull myself out of it,” he explains.
Not even a surprise birthday visit from his girlfriend wearing lingerie could pique his interest one time when he was deep in thought. “I was feeling pensive and I didn’t want to be outside of myself. And with sex, you want to connect with somebody,” he says.
It may be difficult to imagine that a healthy heterosexual man would turn down a woman wearing a thong. However, P.J. is far from alone in this situation, says Vancouver-based sex therapist David McKenzie. “In the last two years, I’ve noticed more clients of mine than before are men lacking sexual desire and it’s the women who are initiating sex,” he says.
If your partner is turning down your advances there’s probably a good explanation for his lack of interest—and it likely has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Here are some common reasons why men say no, and what you can do to get him back to saying, “Yes!”
1. He’s suffering from depression
“Clinical depression is one of the biggest killers of sex drive in men,” says McKenzie. Men of all ages, even teenagers, may experience much lower sex drive when they’re struggling with this mood disorder.
What you can do: “Remember that clinical depression is a physical illness and not a character weakness,” says McKenzie. There are plenty of online resources available to help you and your partner better understand depression and how it can affect your relationship. (The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, for example, has some tips on how to cope.) The key here is patience, especially during treatment—while antidepressants are very effective in treating depression, they can also contribute to low sexual interest. Your partner may want to speak to a doctor, however, if he notices that treatment is severely interfering with his sex drive.
2. His testosterone levels are low
“When a man gets to be over 40, his testosterone levels begin to decrease,” says McKenzie. “If this happens mildly over time, then a man will gradually lose his sexual prowess. But sometimes males can lose testosterone very rapidly.” This condition is sometimes referred to as andropause and comes with symptoms that include loss of energy, depressive symptoms and low sex drive.
What you can do: Low testosterone is a physical condition that can be treated by a physician. If you suspect your partner is experiencing some of the symptoms associated with andropause, suggest he ask his doctor for a testosterone test to determine if low levels are to blame for his lack of desire.
3. He's got trouble with the plumbing
Though erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are common problems, says McKenzie, a man who experiences these difficulties may withdraw from his partner for fear that she’ll be disappointed or think that he’s less of a man.
“It’s hard on a man’s self esteem to not be able to perform in bed,” explains David, a 28-year-old musician from Toronto. “Growing up, guys always talk about being a player and being able to perform well sexually. It’s part of guy culture.”
What you can do: This can be a difficult subject to discuss with your partner, but don’t avoid the issue, says McKenzie. A problem left untreated could result in resentment between partners down the road. Approach the situation very delicately, David advises. “Start by saying, ‘You know I love you no matter what,’” he suggests. “Don’t make a big deal out of it or make him feel like it will affect your interest in him as a partner if he can’t make it happen.”
4. He’s stressed out about his career
Worrying about work can be a real mood killer for many men, especially if they tend to equate professional success with self-worth. “It’s the times when I feel like I’m going nowhere and accomplishing nothing in my career that I will spiral into a negative place and I would say no to sex,” David explains.
What you can do: Discuss the situation away from the bedroom. “Right before bed isn’t always the best time to engage in a deep conversation,” says David. Instead, mutually decide on a good time to chat about what’s going on in his life. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support him through a stressful time, but be clear that his demanding job is taking a toll on your relationship.
5. He’s exhausted
Chances are, if your partner says he’s too tired for some late-night nookie, he’s really exhausted. “If I’m a little tired, I’m usually up for it,” says David. “But there are times when I’m just so dead to the world I’m physically incapable [of having sex].”
What you can do: Don’t take it personally. According to McKenzie, about 98 percent of the men he counsels would say that their lack of sexual interest has nothing to do with how they feel about their partners. P.J. concurs. “It would be a turn-off if my partner were to make the issue about her, because then I would feel guilty on top of being exhausted,” he says. Rather than acting hurt or angry, set the stage for a conversation about what’s going on in his life to make him so tired. But if the problem persists for more than six weeks, it’s time to consider getting help from a therapist or physician.
6. You’re moving too fast
If a new man you’re dating turns down an invitation to “come upstairs for a nightcap,” he could be trying to tell you that he’s not ready to sleep with you yet. “There’s a lot of emotional involvement that comes with having sex with somebody,” says P.J. “How do you get skin to skin with someone you don’t know?”
What you can do: Slow down—this could be a sign that the guy wants to get to know you better before getting physical. Take the declined invitation in stride and remember that, despite what your father might have told you before the prom, guys do have more than one thing on their minds. “We’re emotional beings too, and we want more than just sex,” says P.J.
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Web exclusive: December 2008
Sex slows down after marraige,enough said. Don't let any fancy ladies home journal editor tell you any dIfferent. Men get bored after awhile. Having sex with the same Person over a d over again for years takes a toll on a man's sexual desire for that woman. It has nothing to do with not or loving her. Lust and love are not the same thing. I don't feel bad about not wanting sex when my wife does, If I'm not feelIng it, it's not gonna happen and that's the bottom line. Ladies, stop bothering us! We're tired and we're not getting any younger, so leave us be! If we want it, we'll come and get it! It's like I told my wife, " baby I love you, but don't bother me. " my wife knows that I'm not holding her hostage. That door is right in the living room where it's always been. I want her to be happy but if she's not, then don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. I must be doing something right, she hasn't left yet. Ladies if you want to get into a mans head, watch Married with Children. It's all true!
im a man, and im telling you, your man is just sick of the one women. he needs a bit of "strange" if he's not suffering from depression thats what its all about the bit of strange!!!! bottom line!!!
@Me don't marry him!! I dealt with the same thing 7 years after marriage I'm looking at divorcing him. We've been together 10 years now. People think we have the best marriage because we kiss and hold hands but that's as far as it goes! He looks at porn and may touch me once a month if he's had a lot to drink. It is a sad and lonely life and nobody can relate and love to say "he's so nice" which makes me the bad guy because I'm so frustrated. We had a box or condoms (no reason for me to be on birth control) and I had to throw them out because they expired. It's a sad lonely marriage but he's my best friend, I just wish I had a husband.
My bf (24) and I have been together 4 years, we were friends for about a year before that. I admit things started off a little fast, we were living together within the first year. We have a nine month old baby. So we WERE having sex multi times a day until about half way thru my pregancy. Then it slowed A LOT. In the past nine months I can count the number of times we've had sex on my hands! and we haven't had sex at all in 4months!!! He still shows love...not as greatly as he used to...he says he loves me and hasn't lost interest in me...but at this point its just hard to believe.
I love him but I can not go on like this much longer. About 7 years ago he was dig. w/crohn's disease, and for a little over the past year we believe he has been having issues with it. He has been extra moody for this past year+He has recently been seeing a doctor and they have done some testing.
I know this could cause some loss of desire.....but COMPETELY??? What else could it be? I want to believe hes not cheating...but again at this point idk!
Porn - trust me.
Im 34 my fiance is 43. Wr been together goin on 4 years. We use to have sex quiet a bit. But lately he says no. When i start my monthly i want to just satisfy him. But he says no. I have never told him no. Even if i dont want to. He dont french kiss me always pop kiss. And no kissing when we have sex. But what really gets me is he will turn me down but he will watch porn. What sense.does that make.
I'm not married or anything but my sex partner of 8 months turned me down FLAT! I said I wanted to have sex with him and he said thank you for the compliment but I'll pass. Now he's normally not that rude to me but that kinda makes me fee kinda like it is something about me.
I'm about to give up on my almost 4 year relationship. We are both in our late 20's and my bf denies me CONSTANTLY. We used to go at it minimum twice each day ....that was in the start of our relationship of course now....I'm lucky if I get it once every 3 weeks !!! I don't know what to do anymore. How can I be with someone that does not meet my needs ?? And it's not like I don't try to initiate it !!! I thought men my age were supposed to be the ones begging for it .....women are supposed to fake the headache to get a night off ....no?????
Yes, there are plenty of cases where men have shunned themselves from sex. Men suffering from health problems are not inclined towards sex. Beside he might not have the energy. It’s necessary that he is healthy physically and mentally .
http://www.trustviagra.com
I'm a fit and healthy 26 year old, I have no sex drive whatsoever. I'm not gay by any means, but over the past couple years I've lost interest in women and sex in general. I've never had a girlfriend or any sexual relations and wanted one throughout school but it never happened, and I no longer have any drive to seek one out, additionally I don't know how. I found that in school I was trying so hard to meet societies academic standards and I lived so far away from peers that I never connected well socially, and with the economic state today I'm still stressed just to make ends meet so I tend to stay by myself.
My bo of 11 yrs. has quit drinking and resorted to a low dose of antidepressants to help him. He says when he is on the meds. he doesn't have a sex drive but when really he does. He watches porn now and again. I know this sounds weird but when right siding clothes for washing I have noticed he has self gratified. We had 4 days off together and I can't help taking it personal that he didn't share his drive with me. He initially is shy and walled off but we've been together this long why can't he be comfortable? I am frustrated, hurt, and trying to not take it personal due to his struggles with sobriety, but I am human.
I am having the same problems... My fiance has stopped having sex with me. I, 100%, do not think there is another woman. He is not the type nor are there any signs or feelings of another woman. We use to have a great sex life...three/four times a week or more. Since June, it has dwindle to once a week, than once every two weeks and now we are at once a month and counting....I'm about to end the relationship because I am not marrying a man I can't have sex with. He says he doesn't know the problem and figures we will deal with it, but yet, he dosn't do anything about it...like research, seek a doctor's help, try to have sex, etc. We stopped talking about it and nothing. Nothing helps and I am losing my luster for him due to the lack of communication and his severity of the problem. If he felt we could work thru this as a team, then maybe it would be okay but he wants to deal with it himself. I said, "OK, make sure that I am still leaving in this house when you came to your conclusion, roomie!" Mean, I know...but I am exhausted from sadness. Please help!
im 24 m married to my wife but for some reson i dont know why my sexuall desire is gone please help me i love my wife and shes very attractive so thats not the reason . but i need help , i do have a problem with getting off though so it might be that , that never used to be a problem though
Men stop having sex when along career and family, everything becomes an expectation wihin the relationship. I am goIng through this at the moment and my sex drive has NEVER been worse. I feel like enough is never enough. When home is no longer a place to relax, sex will go out of the window.
He ain't a robot, honey. Men are people just like women. Some of us just arent interested in it, and no that doesn't mean we are gay. It just means we have better things to do. One of my female friends actually summed it up for me in a nutshell one day, she said "People who want sex all the time are just stupid, because they can't think of anything else to do with themselves."
32/m
I got married not long ago and before our marriage, we had sex twice a night most nights... Even after the wedding, the two weeks after we were still having sex often... then during the third and fourth, it drops... Now, we are still within our first year together, but sex once or twice every two weeks... What can I do to get him to not say no? I still take care of myself down there as I always have... I act the same... I'm doing everything the same and even he has admitted I'm doing nothing different... We're still really young... 20's... I love him dearly, but I want more bedroom action... He say's he is tired, but he isn't working any different job or hours or type of work since we've been together? Is there something I can do to turn him on and make him want sex???
Wrong,Rj.
My husband is 40 and depressed.For the last two years he has spent all his time playing a game online and ignoring everything else,including sex.
I'm the one who cheated,because I'm 6 years younger and in my sexual prime.It is not fair that because he has shut down sexually that I have to give it up!
My husband knows I have a lover and while it doesn't make him happy,he lets me since he said "sex just isn't everything anymore".
I'm very distressed. I've always had a high sex drive for a woman. In my previous relationship, my bf turned me down often for sex, but we still had sex almost every day. I felt like we couldn't get enough of each other. Now, my current bf and I have sex maybe once or twice a week. He still lives with his parents, though, and I know he's not cheating. He's had a lot of stress lately with his job, so I've attributed it to that. Reading over these responses now, I'm not sure. Am I doing something wrong? I'm tired of trying to get him into the bedroom only to be turned down and left embarrassed and disappointed. What should I do?
I truly believe a lot of men's "problems" are psychological and related to confidence. I'm a 44yr old male living with a 29 yr old woman. I have a very active libido ... we have sex at least once daily, often more frequently ... I masturbate even more often on top of that. I'm much more pre-occupied with the deed than I should be, and have every confidence in the world that all is well in the plumbing dept.
Despite this, I have occasional bouts of impotence, and know they're related to the confidence issue. Sometimes, if my person is aggressive and demanding before I'm fully primed, it puts pressure on me to satisfy her and it just lays there. Sometimes when we share our bed with particularly attractive people (of course we're into that), the same thing happens and I know its caused by pressure to perform and impress. The more I worry about it (and I do) the less it cooperates. My reasoning brain screams at me to stop worrying about it ... but to no avail. sometimes, it'll last a cpl days because everytime I try to get intimate, I remember the previous failure.
It's almost debilitating .. LOL. My advice to the ladies .... patient understanding if it does happen ... PLEASE don't act disappointed ... it only aggravates it and makes us ashamed of our inadequacy. Also: make yourself aware of your man's "confidence drainers" ... and try to avoid them. But most of all ... have fun :)
Wow RJ, way to represent the ignorant man. In my last serious relationship I was almost always up for a romp, but as I work 10 hour days mon-fri, every week, there were some nights when my GF tried to initiate some late-night action and i just wasn't up for it. she was furious and couldn't understand. "my friends boyfriend NEVER turns down sex." is the comment i would get before she rolled over and refused to say anything. am i really that bad for not wanting sex at 12:30 when i get up at 5:30? i don't think so, especially because we were regularly having sex a minimum once a day at that point, usually right when we both got home from work/school, and then again later. i have an important role in our business and 5 hours sleep was already causing a decline in my performance the next day. before we were together i had myself in a good groove of getting 7 hours each night. i changed my entire routine for her and then get bitched at when i finally stand up and say no (and very rarely at that!). actually kinda funny, it ended up being the demise of our relationship.
anyway, my point is: there are times when guys just aren't in the mood. whether in deep thought, exhausted, or just not in the mood, there are many reasons. there are times, though rare, that i would rather just relax or sleep. ladies, take this as a hint, if your man says no and he's too tired, do this: cuddle up with him and have a snooze or let him get some probably much-needed rest. he'll appreciate you all the more for it the next time (or at least, i do!).
I know this is all about the ladies and their frustrations but.....
I am a 43 yr old male who is healthy and still somewhat good looking. I have always been able to perform at any given time and have only ever turned my wife down once (she was too drunk and I felt as if I was taking advantage of her). I love my wife deeply and still find her beautiful and arousing. Once she hit the 40 mark, all her drive has gone too hell. She uses excuses of being too tired (I am too) , I feel fat and unattractive, and simply just no. She is not fat or unattractive as people that we meet even say how pretty she is. I still WANT her, but she has no desire at all. We have tried many things in our marriage from toys, positions, etc. and I have never had any complaints in the sex department. I think I do a pretty good job of keeping her satisfied. We have 3 girls which are very busy and demanding of our time. We make sure to spend time away so we can connect as a couple again, but sex does not always come into play. I feel as if sex is used as a reward for good behavior. Screw that! I am a good father,husband ,and provider. If you ladies keep using sex as a tool, guys will lose interest in even trying. I am at my wits end. I don't even make an attempt anymore. It's not worth the effort or rejection. Ladies, watch what you wish for, It may just happen! Men have feelings and desires too, but it's not a one way street. You also have to be willing to work at it without putting a leash on his neck!
i got tired of always asking my husband for sex & hearing too tired as an excuse
after an 18month dry spell - i joined a gym - bought a good BOB (battery operated boyfriend) & got on with it
Its interesting to see the various comments and reasons. I have been married for 40 years. My wife and I once agreed that we would never go to bed angry with each other and that we would have sex every night. Didn't work. The most important part is maintaining a loving relationship. Every time you argue, harp on something or put your spouse down you are chipping away at your realtionship. Piss on my parade once and I can get over it, piss on my head every day and pretty soon I just won't care anymore. To have good sex there needs to be a positive emotional attachment.
Of course I have cheated...I am a man for christsakes. Get over it. Everyone I cheated with was a woman and all of them were married. Women like excitement too people. If you are stuck in a rut go get some on the side yourself. Be like the French and don't ask about your spouses extracurricular life. If they come home at night and are happy whats it all about.
From what every one is saying I’m the bad guy in the catagory of a husband who dosen’t want sex.
And it is very true I don’t even want to go there. I’am
in my mid 60’s and my wife is in her 60’s also. My wife would like sex once in a while and she whines about this and other things at me about it. We’ve been married 43 years an I would guess the last sex was about 20-25 years ago.
I love my wife then and now, were not as great physicaly any more. but that is OK.
When we first got married we were both virgins, wedding night wife wasn’t in the mood for sex, and when we did go on a honeymoon things weren’t a whole lot better. When we had sex, I just couldn’t get into it.It was like Ok we did that so whats next. In a way I guess I followed my parents they had no intamicy at all. My mom actually hated my dad.She said that just before she passed away, not to bury next to my dad. It never was exciting, we didn’t experiment it was always missionary and nothing else. Time went on we had two kids and they seemed to consume all our resources. I worked nights and weekends, my wife worked part time during the day. We saw each other coming and going at the front door. Needless to say sex was pushed to the bottom of the list. Here we are in our 60’s, I have high blood pressure, colesterol issues, mild depression and sleep problems plus I weigh to much. I take pills for all that. All these pills have erased my libdo. Can’t take viagra or anything like that, it effects my eyes, I get dizzy this is on the low dosage. So maybe I have something wrong with me. Its to late for sex. I’m fine without the sex and intimacy thing.
Alittle advise for the younger folks, straighten your problems out early in life. Find time for your needs, and be atuned to your partners. Experiment and have sex like rabbits and enjoy yourselves. Those who schedule time for sex do it at that time. Don't be afraid of sex toys they won't bite. Get kinky once in awhile, do different things. Remember talk to each other, don't be to proud or enbaressed.
Ive been married for 9 years. I am in very good shape and have two kids. Men look twice when they see me. My husband offen says no to sex. Sometimes a month will go by. I feel so confused. He is very focused on making money and buying toys. I tried to talk to him, and he just laughs if off. I feel very alone and I just dont understand I am sure alot of men wouldn't mind to have me as there wife... I love my husband with all my hart but I feel worthless... Why Why Why ??? I know there is no one else because he was single for 3 years when I met him. He loves to spend time with the guys, fishing, quading, golfing... I left a sexy photo on his cel and he deleted it... We never ever talk about sex. He is very selfsenterd. We always do things his way. He doesnt spend alot of time with the kids, its like his living in his own world. What can I do to fix it? He was adobted - could that be it ? I just don't know any more....
me and this guy have been dating for bout 4 mos and he doesnt come on to me at all i do it all but hes been turning me away everytime he always says come on stop and he turns away from me or hell say oh im to tired but hell wrap himself around me at night though what is the problem ? ill ask him and hell tell me i work 6 days a week. ya know i work just as hard but i dont do the work he does ya know , i always think is there something wrong with me is he getting somewhere else but the thing is hes with me all the time he goes to work in the morn calls me every moment he can help me on this
n
Great answers but they are only excuses. I believed all of these for over 30 years only to find that with the cover of multiple personalities and his pathological narcissism, my ex-husband was able to convince me that he was impotent. I stayed because I took a vow for better or worse and I didn't see that I was being used as a cover for his bizarre behaviors which included membership in a BDS&M house. I made the marriage look believable which was exactly what he wanted. When I left him he confessed to his "secret life" without me which began on our wedding day and was there all along. I thought I was ugly...I'm not. I thought I was unattractive...I'm not. I'm just guilty of denial and I believed him. It cost me children and a loving home for his extreme selfishness. Unfortunately, for him, it has almost cost him his life. I won't hate him but I do regret being that uneducated. Please don't encourage people to look at shallow reasons for their poor marriages. There are some really sick people out there that are quite capable of using their partners up completely. Only the relationships where both partners are truly committed to each other and are seeking the guidance of the Almighty God will there be a great marriage.
Maybe you are just pissing him off. I know when my girlfriend gets on a good tare and won't listen ( cutting you off constantly) sometimes for the sake of peace I just give in to whatever she is saying. That doesn't mean that I feel good about it but it is far easier than fighting. Later that night I really don't want anything to do with her and would much rather jerk off than have anything to do with her.
well who is this 29 year old punk !!! I am 52 and have never had any of the symptoms he describes. Maybe he should think about sex more than he does and drop whatever else he is thinking about...maybe it is another man
Sorry, RJ, but you sound very bitter (female?) or like a complete cad (male?). or maybe in your teenage prime...
Two words: He's cheating.
Sorry ladies, but with the exception of #1 (depression), all of those are just excuses, not reasons. If he's rejecting you in the bedroom, he's getting it somewhere else.