5 ways to beat loneliness
Loneliness can affect us all at different times, in different ways. Whether it's a fleeting feeling or a constant state of disconnection, here are five ways to beat loneliness
By Meredith Dault
From time to time, we all experience the odd bout of loneliness. Sometimes it can creep up on us during periods of change (like a move or the end of a relationship, for example), and leave us feeling physically or emotionally distanced from other people. Loneliness doesn’t just strike when we’re by ourselves, either. It can be just as easy to feel lonely in a throng of people when you’re feeling disconnected.
For some people, however, loneliness is more than a fleeting feeling. It can be a near steady state with long-term consequences. "I’d say it was a persistent sense of marginalization and exclusion, and a lack of intimacy,” says Emily White, who experienced a four-year period of loneliness in her early thirties while working as an environmental lawyer in Toronto. “I felt a persistent sense of insufficiency—of not having enough people close to me, and that in turn led to a feeling of anxious aloneness.”
White, who recently described her experience in a book called Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude, says the prolonged loneliness eventually began to have physical effects, disrupting her sleep and her health. “I started daydreaming a lot,” she recalls, “and I wasn’t as sharp cognitively. Loneliness started to have an effect on me that was real and observable. It took me some time to figure out how deeply it was affecting me.”
According to White, roughly 10 percent of North Americans struggle with chronic loneliness—a condition more prevalent than depression (and, it’s important to note, different from depression), though harder to understand and less frequently talked about.
“It’s a common problem,” agrees Toronto-based counsellor and psychotherapist, Lesli Musicar, who says that many people don’t admit they suffer from loneliness. “A lot of people who feel lonely, you’d never suspect in a million years,” she says. “They might go out a lot, or be highly social, but their interactions stay mainly on the surface. So even though they may give the impression of being popular, those people may be feeling very lonely underneath it all because they aren’t letting people get close to them.”
While some people may be more predisposed to chronic loneliness than others, it can be overcome. Keep loneliness at bay with these tips:
1. Don't isolate
When you’re feeling lonely already, it can be hard to think about trying to engage with other people, but keeping your own company may only make the problem worse. “Loneliness comes from people not feeling comfortable letting other people close to them,” says Musicar, explaining that if you have a negative self-image, you may be afraid to let others get to know you for fear they might not like what they find. “If you can’t let people close to you, however, you are going to feel alone.” The problem, she explains, is that when you isolate, there’s nobody around to challenge your negative self-image. “You have no reality checks—you only have your own view of yourself.”
2. Keep busy
Though it may be the last thing you want to do if you’re feeling isolated, Musicar suggests joining an group—a book club, a sports team, choir or a gardening group, for example—where you can meet people who share you own interests. “If you join a group where the activity is meaningful for you, and you enjoy it, chances are it will bring out the best in you. And if you feel good while you’re engaged in that activity, it will help you feel more connected to the people around you because you have this one thing in common.”
3. Be kind to yourself
If you’re chronically lonely, you may be fearful of letting people get close. First, learn to love yourself! Fixing a negative view of yourself takes a lot of gentle self-care and nurturing. “The first relationship you need to work on is your relationship with yourself,” says Musicar—and that may mean gently corrected ways of thinking you learned as a child. “If you were neglected or criticized,” she explains, “you need to turn that around. You need to start treating yourself differently. The biggest challenge is to treat yourself well when you aren’t feeling good about yourself.” Being happier with yourself will make it easier to reach out to others.
4. Get educated
Emily White started writing her book on loneliness because she was curious to know more about her condition. Her research actually helped her to feel less lonely by making it less mysterious, which made it easier to deal with. “The more you learn about loneliness and how common it is, the less alone you feel,” she explains. “It’s hard to be lonely, but it’s harder when you don’t understand it or you feel alone in your loneliness.”
5. Find someone to reach out to
Whether it’s a friend, a family member or a therapist, finding someone to talk to about your situation can make a huge difference. “It’s the biggest challenge,” says Musicar, “but it’s the most healing thing you can do for yourself. Our cultural stigma around loneliness makes the condition hard to talk about, but keeping your feelings hidden may leave you feeling worse. “When you feel bad about yourself,” says Musicar, “that’s when you need to hear a different message about yourself. You need to hear from someone else that you matter and that you are worthy.”
Related:
• How to meet new friends
• 7 ways work friends are good for you
• How friends can help you lose weight
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Web exclusive, June 2010
I am lucky in that I am married and my husband is my friend. Other than that I don't have a single friend in the world. I have tried and tried. I am friendly to people but no one can bother getting to know me. I have tried to join groups, especially horse groups but they are the worst, most clicky groups of all it turns out. I have given up. I will just stay by myself.
I like this article, because I often found that a surprising number of people are lonely. I think today's modern world has us all so busy that we overlook the importance of balancing friend-time with life. FriendMatch is a website that provides free online friendship matchmaking, for friends and activity partners instead of dating or romance, it might be a convenient choice for people who are lonely. I believe it is at friendmatch.us, but can be looked up under google.
I need a therapist I am lonely
this article is very informable.it provide more knowledge.and it is very useful for psychatric social workers..congrats....for your efforts.
Over the course of my sixty years of life, I have always maintained that I do NOT understand the concept of lonliness. After all, I have a twin sister. I have NEVER REALLY known what it is to be truly alone ...... not even in the womb.... My twin sister and I enjoyed a double wedding ceremony at the age of 21. We both had children soon afterwards, and the 'ALONE' word has never resonated with me... until now.
I thought that I liked my own company, and I still do; however, I have just moved to a new place by the sea... a place I have dreamed of for years. My marriage only lasted for 30 years, and even the next twenty years without a partner, I never felt alone. So why do I feel so alone now? In some sense, I am grateful to have the true understanding of the word, and have a keen grasp on the fallout of this real emotion. After all, that is all that it is. It is a self promoted condition that steadily grows out of all proportion, until one really starts to feel paranoid. Questioning ones existence and so on. It is probably worse for those, like myself, who have always been extremely popular and well loved by all. A bit of a character, or personality to the extent of always being 'remembered' by others, while one sometimes forgets those who have remembered !!!! I now know the pain and the emptiness of this strange new dimension. I walked along the sea front last evening. It was dusk, and the Christmas Parade was in full swin. I watched on while families huddled together in the cold air watching the sparkling lights. As I passed by candle lit windows, I watched as others were enjoying dinner with family and friends. I remembered the closeness and the laughter of past Christmases with my own family, and my heart felt like lead. The weight of the pain of lonliness was overbearing. I did not cry. I seemed to carry myself in limbo as if watching from another dimension outside of myself wondering what had happened to me. Christmas brings a heavy hearted feeling these days, and I know in my own way that this WILL change, for nothing ever stays the same... not even grief. So, I am writing this message to illuminate another kind of sparkling light that I will call hope. This raw feeling will pass, but I will never let myself forget this pain, as I now know how to measure the meaning of contentment and the reality and the importance of the people around us. Strangers for now, but only friends that we have not yet met. There are many of us feeling this desparate reality, more than we know, so let us take this message tonight, and together recognize that we are NOT really ALONE ! I now believe that we have all experienced this, and I now fully appreciate this word. I will never say that I do not understand what lonliness is ever again, but I will have a new measure in my life that will tell me when this roller coaster ride is over, for I WILL KNOW when I am no longer lonely, and I will rejoice with all of you and think of you, as you will think of me when your ride has come to an end. Let's just hold on to each other for now. With Love and understanding from Isabel, newest member of the Lonely Heartclub Band... Big Smilex
It's ok I guess. I found reading the philosophy of Nietzsche amazingly helpful and the one thing that cured me of my lonliness and my freinds' because he himself went through lonliness all his life and found a formula for eternal happiness (At least For me). I recommend the book called the Nietzsche reader and the chapters on Nihilism, Anti-Nihilism, Will To Power, Superman, and the most important section of em all Section 231 in the chapter called Eternal Recurrence. It's a very hard read but if studied and understood correctly, can make anyone an affirmer in life(You'll have to read the book to understand) and a love for his or her amor fati: "Love of Fate. Also I recoomend a video on youtube called "Nietszche on Hardship" that makes a startling and controversial claim on suffering and lonliness but can also help enormously.
Hope This Helps
I was very lonely in my abusive marriage. It just seemed if I was going to feel lonely than I preferred to be alone. We separated and I may be alone at times but I feel so much better. Now to deal with the aftereffects of the abuse.
Some of the loneliest people around are married. Even if you are with a lot of people, nobody knows what you are thinking. The point is we are all alone inside our own heads. I find you have to get to like your own company first. Learn to be OK alone, not needy. It's then people will be attracted to you and will seek you out. Become your own best friend.